I went to a cafe today out of desperation. I feel I need to express the desperation because earlier today, I updated a status on social media today regarding my concern of paying back student loans and made a mental commitment to be more frugal. I was very hungry and eager to work on my master's project, but did not have time to run home. Anyway, I'd been there before with a friend and knew they had very nice desserts for very cheap and hoped they sold actual food for also very cheap. They did! However, I asked the only worker there if they were still serving food, food. He said they were not. I felt bad because there was absolutely no reason for me to be there but I had invested a bit of time in deciding what I would order if they did have food. I needed something that would resemble a dinner, not really a celebration. I awkwardly stood there pretending I was thinking about ordering a dessert (I wasn't) before leaving to make it seem less "You don't have what I want.. so I'm leaving, dang it!"
The cafe worker previously explained that he just finished cleaning everything up and wiping everything down. He started asking me what I was interested in having and I felt that jolt of, "Oh, I've stayed too long." Instead, I jokingly said, "Oh, you know.. Everything." He laughed and said, "I'll make you a panini. What do you want on it?" and I reassured myself that I heard him correctly and double checked that he just finished cleaning everything. He said it was fine and he'd make one panini for me if I was hungry. What a lovely gentleman. He didn't seemed bothered by the fact that he had to clean everything again. It wasn't like I went when they were closing, so I didn't feel too bad.
The panini was really delicious. It was mozzarella, tomato, and pesto. What a very lovely combination of ingredients! I would've given him a really nice tip for being so kind and willing to feed me, but that's not really a thing here. I had a nice, prolonged chat with him about being foreign. He was from Algeria! We had a lovely discussion about traveling and living in Scotland. He gave me a few Scottish phrases to use when I'm out and about. I forget them now, but we had a good laugh trying to get me to roll my R's an appropriate amount.
While I was there, these two girls walked in and one girl took one look at at me, scanned me, and made a "disgusting!" face. Sigh. She was Asian and I feel like it's worth mentioning that because seriously, only Asian women do this to me. When I was visiting Korea last summer, this happened to me plenty. I expected it. Even by American standards, I know where I fall. I'm fully aware of my mass. Everyone knows about the insane standards of beauty set in Korea, and I was prepared to deal with that, and did. There were plenty of young and old Korean women analyzing me, feeling sorry for me, disgusted by my weight and physical features, and probably my enormous lack of a thigh gap. One hot morning on Jeju Island, I wore shorts down to breakfast at a hostel and I'm pretty certain I personally offended one mom there. She watched me walk from a counter to a table near her, staring at my legs. She looked me in the face and scowled and honestly couldn't even finish her breakfast after that. When her daughter sat down, she said some things to her and her daughter tried to get a glimpse of me too.
I understand that people don't enjoy seeing other people (or things) they find less attractive. I really don't enjoy looking at trash on the sidewalk. I think the world would be a better, more beautiful place if all the trash was eliminated. So, I guess in that way I can relate to this woman who seemed to find me disgusting enough to not even finish her breakfast (lol, I'M probably always going to finish my breakfast, let's be real here). I bet she's the type of person to think that the world would be a better place if adipose was eliminated.
While this happened most densely in Korea, I still noticed it while being home in the US and occasionally here in the UK, like I did today. I'm not upset about it and I don't mind people telling me to lose weight. In all honesty, these people probably think I have a serious lack of self control over myself and probably my eating habits. I'm not so sure my eating habits are the sole controlling factor of my weight, but you know what? They have the same lack of self control themselves; it just doesn't physically show on their bodies. And for that, I too, am judging them on their lack of personal health care.